Fast and slow

1 08 2014

I was in the library yesterday, browsing books. Suddenly, I realized that my appetite for reading has got down lately and that I am not really looking too much forward to immerse myself in a book. Also, I realized that I have become pickier in choosing my next reads, with little interest in those meaty, prize-winning, intense reads, which were so fulfilling in the past. I found myself looking for something lighter and entertaining. The prospect of trudging  through a dense literary piece seemed very unappealing. This change of status quo came to me as a surprise. On further reflection, I realized that same is the case with my other interests/obsessions – movies, travel. I  now don’t feel the same urge to pursue them.

I have slowed down!

The fact is now out in the open. Now what? How do I feel about it?

I feel good!

Well, the latter came down as a bigger surprise. Because, I always thought that my interests,/hobbies give me immense pleasure and that they are my greatest source of happiness.  Well, now may be I need to reconsider the whole thing. Hmmm!

I often wonder…

There are people who chase things, are adventurous, are ambitious, seek and get things. Their life is an ongoing journey. They enjoy it and like to make the best out of it. Achieving/experiencing is their happiness.

There are some other people who do what they need to do, are content with what they have, are pleasant and happy with oneself and the world, Just being is their happiness.

Who is right?

Is too much activity always a sign of inner restlessness? Does being in the present always a token of bliss?

I feel laid back. I am glad that my inner state now relies not on what I do but on what I am! I am not yet where I would like to be but I know I’m in the right direction. (How much more narcissistic can I be? :p  Well, sometimes I can’t help getting tired of myself.)


My journey

12 12 2012

More than 3 months without a post. This is perhaps the longest gap that has ever occurred on this blog till now. 2012 had been a transformational year for me in many ways than I could have ever anticipated. As I embarked on the journey towards self-knowledge, I went through some profound states of mind. It’s part revelation and part mystery but I’m glad I’ve made the effort. I’m no where near the final destination – where I would like to be – but I’ve grown more comfortable with myself along the way. I guess I did  more thinking and inner-debate this year than I ever did before. I’m grateful for the struggle I experienced in the process because I feel it made me a better person – a person whom I like more. I also realized, to some extent, that just changing the way you perceive yourself, you can change the way you interact with people and environment around, which will ultimately lead to a change in the way they react to you. Also, I realized that I previously used to avoid pursuing such trains of thought which would unfold my inner views by keeping myself always busy. How foolish was I not to envision how rewarding such an exercise could be? Or may be I just wasn’t ready earlier.

All this indulgence in myself, that of course I long deserved, left me with little time for my dear blog. Needless to say, I missed writing. With this comeback speech, I’ll now breeze in with new vigor. 🙂

I admit it’s a bit early to say goodbye to the year but I believe one can always reflect back on what it gave one, at any point in time. As 2012 is drawing to a close, I must assent that, despite all, it gave me new experiences, and new hope. My journey has just begun….


18 07 2012

How many of you seriously think you are doing what you want in life?  Put in a different way, whatever you are doing and are part of in your life- your career, your hobbies, your relationships – is that what you really want? Think carefully before answering yourself. The first and the biggest hurdle is to realize what one wants; what makes one happy. The action part comes later.

We all are socially and culturally conditioned since birth and much of our thoughts and actions are shaped and determined by people and circumstances around us.  And stereotypes rule us. Amidst all this, the pursuit of one’s true self, from which one seeks satisfaction and salvation, is a challenging task at the very least. More often than not, the things we pursue are either escape routes or improper means to achieve the lofty goal of happiness.

One friend, through her recently acquired wisdom and revelations, remarked that “people do inappropriate things and wonder why the result is not what they have desired for”. Undoubtedly, being happy is the ultimate goal of each and every human being. But why only very few people could achieve it despite their best efforts? It’s because the means are wrong. Put grossly: we want to reach a destination and instead of taking the path that leads to it we deliberately or ignorantly take a different path and wonder why the destination appears forever distant.

We are so caught up by our image in and perception by the society that we tire ourselves by perpetually trying to reach or maintain it. This conscious and subconscious effort robs us off our energy and leaves us sapless to pursue more noble and fruitful goals of self-discovery and spiritual enlightenment. One reason why such discovery is essential can be comprehended from the futile ways of our normal course of life. Getting lost in the stream and going through motions never fulfills one’s soul.

One solution to lessen the negative emotions can be “to accept”. It is our expectations of people and circumstances around that cause much anguish to us when not met. If we learn to accept whatever comes our way, much of the struggle can be obviated.

And of course, the ultimate and almost magical mantra is neither a ground-breaking nor a shocking revelation: detachment. To be like a drop of water on the lotus leaf. Immersed ever so deeply in worldly pleasures and displeasures, it is easier said than done to extract oneself out of it.

These and other similar pieces of wisdom are never far away or exactly hitherto unknown. In fact, most of us know them, albeit intellectually. It is the application of that knowledge to oneself that is so rare owing to its high degree of difficulty as it involves a transformation not only consciously (intellectually), but also mentally and deep inside (subconsciously). I guess the process involves immense inner struggle – perplexing and painful – with the fruit of enlightenment dangling at the end if ever one has the perseverance to reach it.

Who am I? what do I want? I never considered these questions before and failed to recognize their significance so far. I always thought that these questions are generally pursued only by those who are deeply spiritual. But my recent reflections brought me down to these same basic questions, as I stood perplexed at the state of my life and its direction (or lack of it). I think the answering  of these soul-searching questions involves a much more deeper introspection in the light of psychology or spirituality or both. These questions and associated thoughts have been haunting me for quite sometime and at times I wonder whether I’m on a wild-goose-chase. I perceive myself to be in a conundrum trying to understand and discern those things that add meaning to my life.

Even as I was contemplating to embark on the journey of self-discovery feeling lost as to how to proceed,  I accidentally discovered an old copy of ‘An Unknown Woman” by Alice Koller a few days back in my personal collection of books and saw it as a sign. There is no time to lose; the sooner the better. And I spare no means to assimilate the needful to guide me through the labyrinth and meet the “me” inside me.

Reflections on integrity

24 06 2011

A person whose words and deeds match; who stands by his/her principles at all times; who is true to oneself is my idea of a person with integrity. We all hold many ideals but in the daily life find it difficult to put them all into practice.

Everybody is doing it, so why don’t/can’t I? if it is done by majority, it’s right or at least not wrong. This line of argument goes with various things like lying, corruption, tax evasion, social irresponsibility and many other less grand things.

It takes courage to hold an opinion contrary to that of the majority and then to stand by it. Believing something and actually putting into practice often seem to be two different things.

In the matter of some of my strong beliefs/opinions , I’m not always sure whether I would retain my conviction when it’s the testing time. But I’m glad to note that I didn’t waver to hold on to my principles on a few important issues of late.

While it’s too personal to reveal what those occurrences are, I consider these as encouragement to do the same in future, in view of the contentment they brought to me. Experiences like these would surely  increase my belief in myself.

My 2010

31 12 2010

Yet another year comes to an end and the dawn of yet another new year lurks just around the corner. This time I am a bit too eager to put 2010 behind me. Time doesn’t seem to be running fast enough.

The keyword this year had been “loss”. There had been a lot of it in various forms – money, peace of mind, job, perseverance, zeal, favorite possessions, and the like. The situation might not have been as dismal as I am trying to portray but still the year has left me in confusion and also a kind of desperation.

I know that I shouldn’t put the blame on “the year”, which is such an obviously lame effort to divert attention from myself. But I do hope that along with 2010, I also take leave of the traces of all those losses and plunge into 2011 with new vigour and ardor. All through 2010, it seemed that, I let things happen to me. In contrast, I wish to make things happen in 2011.

Wish me “All the Best”.