AFTER MARRIAGE EFFECT – Importance of the 1st year

20 12 2012

This article by Suman Sayani, Consultant – Psychologist of Aware Global Hospital and Psycho-Matrix Wellness Concepts has been going viral on Facebook. I found it very realistic and appreciate her effort to educate people.

 

Marriage is one of the most important event in the life, but its also one of the few events that has the potential to break their “emotional comfort zone” within a few hours to few days. 30-40% ladies in India experience this emotional discomfort within the 1st year of marriage.

Why this happens? 

1. When an indian lady marries, she marries into a family. In great majority of cases she is expected to immediately un-learn and forget all her customs and adopt to new ones. This is wrongly given the excuse called -“adjustment.” It’s absurd but in many cases the expectations for such a change have been since day 1 of marriage. Medically its impossible to forget what has been practiced for 20-plus years in even a year time. But “you need to adjust fast” stuff keeps haunting women day-in and day-out.

2. While she is trying to do this, the already accustomed and emotionally seniors in this new environment. Namely her mother-in-law, sister-in-law, father-in-law have certain expectations from her.

These expectations sometimes make her feel like a “slave” or “non-unwanted” element of the family. Its unfortunate that people (specially those with orthodox mentality) don’t believe in the concept “before creating expectations, create love. Because love is ever lasting”

3. This conflict of expectations leads to a feeling of sadness and anger. Her only support is her husband…

unfortunately in many cases, the husband decides to keep quiet. The lady starts to feel emotionally cheated by her husband and starts to develop hatred against mother-in-law, sister-in-law.

4. Slowly this negativity becomes a cyclic event which keeps playing in the mind continuously. This leads to

  • Comparison with “perfect life” of others,
  • Guilt of making the wrong choice,
  • Feeling of worthlessness,
  • Uncontrollable anger
  • Bouts of crying for long hours
  • Helplessness.

5. If not able to get a loveable environment, woman feels fearful and lack of “being wanted” …  She tries to either give too much love to change the situation.. Or  develops impulsivity seen as

  • extreme anger,
  • episodes of leaving the house and going to their parents,
  • extreme demand for love,
  • extreme shopping
  • uncontrollable mood swings.

When an women is exposed to such stress for 6 months or more, she starts to develop following physical symptoms due to mental tension –

  • Increase stress leading to physical symptoms– that leads to weight issues, decreased glow on the skin, menstural problems, headaches, sleep problems.
  • Mood swings – with intense episodes of crying and similar intense episodes of anger
  • Decreased love for husband and family members
  • Constantly restless mind
  • Every situation is approached with negativity.
  • Decreased desires and decreased loving
  • Negative image of the husband, thinking he has never been by her side. And he doesn’t deserve her love.
  • Looking for running away from this situation – which leads to nuclear family formation or divorce.

How to help someone battling this?

1. Listening – just listen to them.

2. Talk to the husband, try and help him to be more assertive in his duty towards his wife.

3. Mood swings, sadness and stress needs treatment – consult a good psychiatrist/counselor immediately.

4. Impulsivity can even lead to suicide so first calm her down. If it’s impossible to calm her down, accompany her to a psychiatrist / psychologist help her calm down and then take the decision.

 

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6 responses

20 12 2012
Nagamani Challa

I don’t think this is the case now-a-days..things have changed a lot..Isn’t it?

20 12 2012
sireeshaavvari

Oh no Nagamani. I can totally relate with that. If you haven’t experienced this, then you are lucky. If you haven’t even noticed such things in your circle, then may be you are not very perceptive, or living in seclusion, or of course, all your acquaintances are as lucky as you.

20 12 2012
Tulasi ram

Oh my god, its so realistic. I too saw many girls who got married and went through this situations…..i am passing it again on my facebook friends 😀

20 12 2012
sireeshaavvari

I’m glad for you empathy Tulasi.

20 12 2012
sashank

one feels helpless if cornered all the time. a woman must be integrated into the family with love and kindness. thanks for sharing..

9 11 2013
Rajasree

Why shud women taken to the Psychiatrist? Instead her husband n His entire family must be punished for harassing.Still we can see many of the women r committing suicides n undergoing the harassment…that too only in India n high in Andhra Pradesh.

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