A Married Woman

As the title indicates, A Married Woman by Manju Kapur is a subtle portrayal of a married woman. The protagonist Astha symbolizes a typical married woman of India. There are countless ways a woman’s married life can be made a wreck by abusive and demanding  husband and/or in-laws. However, Astha, fortunately, doesn’t have to go through it. By all means, she has a fairly good marriage -  financially comfortable, large house, servants, fairly considerate husband, non-interfering in-laws, and two kids. She also works. Bingo! What can she possibly complain about??

Love – she pines for the ever elusive elixir of life. The insensitiveness of her husband creates a void in her. She is “allowed” to work, but her work and the resulting money she makes is considered inconsequential. Decisions are made without consulting her, not only about the family as a whole, but also about “her” things. Her indulgence in her art is seen as extravagance. The time she spends outside the home, in the things that interest her and those that she believes in, is resented.

Mind you, all this acrimony is not displayed overtly. But still, she has to fight the invisible chains to be able to do something for herself. ‘Permissions” are to be sought, explanations are to be given, and people are to be convinced before she can  step out and do something on her own. Each time, they let go of her reluctantly at the best.

Such a scenario has so become a part of marriage that it is never questioned.  Nor many people realize there is anything wrong with it. But if there is nothing wrong with it, why would women like Astha feel  dissatisfied, unloved, unappreciated and lost in a void? Why do they store pent-up anger and rage at their life in general?

Whenever I think of the deep-rooted conditioning about the role of woman in the family and society that has been instilled in the minds of the people since forever, I’m scared to bits. It reminds me of  the horrors as portrayed in the literary classics 1984 and Brave New World. People all over the world were alarmed and frightened at the idea of such “brain washing” as depicted in those pieces of fiction. But a similar kind of “mind-control” and “conditioning” has been taking place in reality since ages and none gives a damn. The problem is none even recognizes the problem or acknowledges it and its magnitude, let alone work towards a solution.

In my immediate circle, I’m yet to see a woman completely satisfied in her marriage. I wonder if it has always been like this. Have women of all ages felt the same in their marriages? May be in the past, owing to the ignorance thrust upon them by way of confining them to the four walls and the resulting limited sense of individuality, women weren’t even aware of the pathetic state of their lives.  But I doubt if there weren’t an occasional free spirit here and there perplexed at the injustice of it all.

If half of the human race isn’t happy with their lives, isn’t there something wrong with the whole system? And isn’t there an urgent need to address this?

Marriage kills the individual in a woman. To begin with, the family instills self-doubt and attacks the woman’s self-confidence. Once  succeeded in destroying the woman’s self-esteem, it’s a cakewalk to tread all over her. Isn’t it?

From the point of sharing of responsibilities, the traditional view is that while one spouse (typically husband) works for a living, the other spouse (typically wife) takes care of the children and the house.(Note that usually women are not free to choose what and how much they want to do. Of course, this applies to men too. Stereotypes rule.)  If it is as simple as just distribution of duties and responsibilities, why are women not content with the part they (are supposed to) play?  Because, the effort she puts in is not valued as much as it deserves. She and her duties are looked upon as inferior and menial, despite they comprising an inevitable part of family life. I believe if a woman is given the respect and freedom she deserves, then she wouldn’t feel lost in her role as wife/mother.  All this appears to come out as strong statements and  seems obvious, but the interesting thing is that in many cases the ill-treatment is practiced in a very subtle manner, not because people around are bad, but because they believe that’s the way things are and are unaware of any other way of dealing with women. what a pity!

It may seem like I’m generalizing things here, but I’m only trying to give a typical picture. If you are one of the very small percentage of lucky ones, who find love in your marriage (in long-term), are respected, shown interest and are encouraged in your individual interests without the slightest protest/reluctance, can make your own decisions, not feel burdened by the expectations of a good wife, mother, DIL etc., then I whole-heartedly congratulate you.

On the other hand, men too, quite possibly, have their own share of dissatisfaction from their marriages and I’m curious to know how much and in what way the social stereotypes are burdening them.

In this novel, Astha finds love, missing so far in her life, in Pipeelika. Actually, it makes a lot of sense. Given the biased society and the insensitiveness of men towards women’s needs in general, lesbian relationships make a lot of sense.

I sometimes wonder that when nature ordained for men and women to get together for procreation (which is the corollary of the very basic goal of any species – survival), why does the nature make them so very different in their thoughts, needs, and temperament? Wait a second, how much of it is nature, how much of it is nurture? Are men and women really as alien to each other as Martians and Venusians? It just seems so much trouble – trying to find a common ground (except bed, of course!):  trying to communicate, trying to complement each other, or just trying to “bear” with each other. I feel too much energy and effort goes into the attempt of creating harmony. Whether or not it can be achieved, I’m not so sure.

I couldn’t help noting down some observations made in the novel and would like to quote some of them here:

Given certain circumstances, there was no aphrodisiac more powerful than talking, no seduction more effective than curiosity.

 

‘Have you ever wanted more lovers?’

What could Astha say? She was living, the way people like her lived, where was the question of more lovers, or love for that matter?

 

‘Is he good in bed?’

‘I suppose.’

‘If you have to suppose, he is not,’ said Pipee severely.

 

And it also felt strange, making love to a friend instead of an adversary.

 

She was a wife too, but not much of her was required there. A willing body at night, a willing pair of hands and feet in the day and an obedient mouth were the necessary prerequisites of Hemant’s wife.

 

Now sexually involved with another, she realized how many facets in the relationship between her husband and herself reflected power rather than love. Hemant had managed to ignore her because ultimately he filled his own landscape. That her discontent had been expressed in nuances that were minor, only helped him in his disregard.

 

It was not fair. It needed his wife’s having an affair for Hemant to promise to see a video with her, something he knew she loved.

 

It was an illusion, ou could never be one with another, no matter how hard you tried. It was better to realize and accept that, life became easier once you did.

 

‘Teach me how to live, God. I’m not asking for happiness, but I would welcome some stability, so I need not run all over the place looking for love and confirmation. Give me substance, God, give me a life that has not been lived for nothing.’

 

Living with someone interested in the details of your work is companionship at the deepest level.

 

‘What do you want that I don’t give you?’

‘Interest. Togetherness. Respect.’

 

‘There has to be something more between us. I have to feel it is me you want.’

Hemant looked baffled. ‘Of course, it’s you I want. You are my wife,’ he repeated.

‘That’s the problem. Anybody could be your wife.’

‘What rubbish, I picked you, didn’t I?’

‘Picking is not the same thing as knowing.’ 

For a moment Astha felt an intense stab of envy, not just for Pipee, but for anyone who had the possibility of a new life. She had to remind herself sternly that if she wanted, she too had choices. 

He was lying. She had gone to Ayodhya twice, painted the masjid at least five times, scripted a play about it, and he didn’t know she was interested? This was his revenge for being concerned in things other than him. 

The first 100 and odd pages are more like premise for what comes later and I actually didn’t get hooked on until much later. All in all, it’s a good read.

SlutWalk

I’ve been coming across this issue on the Net and newspapers for quite a while now. Lots of discussions and heated arguments are being made on this and as I went through them, the issue seemed more and more intriguing.

As per my understanding, the term ‘Slutwalk’ was coined in Canada last year, where a police officer had commented that women could avoid sexual assaults by not dressing like sluts. Agitated women immediately held protest walks with attention grabbing title ‘slutwalk’ in Canada and then US. Marches in many other countries followed, including India. The issue gained instant popularity and controversy owing to its title and people all over the world indulged in discussing the issue. And incidentally, a similar kind of comment was made in India recently by two prominent people – a DGP and also a state minister. This ensued similar outrage in India.

When I first encountered this issue and read through various articles, I was convinced that slutwalk makes much sense. I even endorsed the need for it and tried to defend it in my arguments with people  both offline and online. But as I thought about it more and more and read different perceptions of people, I’m not so sure right now.

Basically, there are two different opinions about it:

• Those comments make perfect sense and women should be careful about their dressing so as not to invite trouble. People who believe so argue that doing so doesn’t take away the blame from the offender or rapist. It merely advises women to be more careful. Analogies are also brought in, comparing women with revealing or provocative clothes to people exposing Rolex watch and full wallet in a dark alley, both  cases drawing unwanted attention resulting in possible crime.
• Such comments take the onus of responsibility away from the offender and unfairly blames the victims.

I believe that the society (media, people at large, general collective psyche) by blaming the victim for rape is not considering rape as a serious offence unless severe physical injury is done. When the first question in a rape case is about the dress or morals of the victim, the rapist doesn’t feel guilty..

Some argue that talking about victim’s dressing doesn’t slight the offence. But I feel that that is not so. The prevalent notion is present no where in the spoken or written word, but still one can feel its vibe undercurrent if one cares.

Kalpana Sharma, in her article, states that “The current approach shall only result in giving potential rapists the signal that they are excused from all responsibility since it is for the victims to take care of themselves and ensure that they do not get raped.”

While I agree that not all rapes are done as a consequence of dressing provocatively ( as is evident by rapes of minors, old women, burqa clad women and the like), being the weaker sex (unable to defend oneself at times of sexual assault), women better be on the safer side.

But here comes the question – what does one mean by dressing provocatively? It’s highly subjective and may be the buqra covering from head to toe is the only plausible solution. Not that it would guarantee no rape or sexual assault incidents, but may be in that case, the blame will be shifted from the victims and rightly be placed on the perpetrators. But is it happening that way in the countries which impose burqa on its women?

The fact that rape happens even in cases where no provocation in any manner is involved, isn’t a very reasonable and logical argument for dressing less modestly, in my opinion.  But I feel the reason why the proponents of slutwalk make this point is not because they encourage women to be careless and invite trouble but because, all this dressing issue has deeper  implications and nuances.

An  interesting and stimulating discussion on Facebook reveals much about the opposing views:

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=365319790165185 

In particular, I felt that the following made much sense:

“Rape obviously, is much more violent, and a much greater degree of malice and ill intentions attributed to it. Why does that amount of malice get generated? Why does such an evil intent get formed so easily? It’s because of the psychology of rape, that it is permissible. The psychological causes of robbery and mugging can be easily traced, the cause of sexual assault, not so. It is only something that happens so easily because of the permissiveness attached to the concept of rape. Once men understand that it is NEVER okay to rape, then the issue of precautions does not arise.“ 

 ”We’re still talking about whether it is right or wrong to look primarily at the people sexually assaulting other people, instead of the people being assaulted. This prevention approach ALWAYS takes focus away from rapists. It has been doing so for years. Which is one of the reasons we need to switch lenses. FIRST look at why that man felt he could/why he wanted to force himself on someone and what you can do to change that. Then look at ways of helping women fight back while everyone works to make this an easier place to live in. Don’t ever say that it was her responsibility to ensure that she wasn’t sexually assaulted, because it isn’t. It is our responsibility as a society to bring kids up not to think that women are objects to penetrate and dominate at will, but people you never touch without consent. You know why I think no one even talks about why men rape? Because its something everyone takes for granted as a regular part of our lives. Women get raped, its a fact of life, so all you can do is prevent it from happening to you. That won’t cut it, sorry. For as long as people’s reaction is “who asked her to get into a dangerous profession/drive her car late at night/wear skimpy clothes/drink at a bar” I have a problem. Call it what you want.” 

“What we rebel against is the idea, that women, because they are women, should somehow be expected to be on red alert all the time. Say that, and you are effectively saying that such men, are who they are, live with it. We cannot accept that. More importantly, we cannot allow that excuse for anyone. Maybe, on our own, we can choose to be more careful. But when we say it’s a responsibility, we’re offering a way out for those responsible for enforcing the rules. We’re splitting responsibility, and allowing a host of stupid notions to enter, and that is dangerous. Can we choose to be careful? Yes. Is it our bounden duty to be? No. It’s a fine distinction.“

It is also a well known statistic that most sexual assaults happen not from strangers but from men in and around the family or social circle. And almost always, rape is not an impulsive act, it is usually planned well ahead. And in most cases, rape is more about power and domination rather than about sex. Quoting Kalpana Sharma again, “Those who commit such acts do not do it out of any form of compulsion or sudden provocation caused by the victim’s attire, but are in fact, motivated by their own perverse thought process. This thought process is bolstered by societal sanction and acceptance of sexual assault as routine, especially against “immoral” women. ”

Coming to the analogy to mugging, say some valuables are stolen as a result of “provocatively” flashing them. The thief here and the rapist – are they treated the same way by the society in terms of blame put on them ( and not in terms of the seriousness of the offence, of which obviously the one committed by latter is  graver)?

But on the face of it, it’s sad and unfortunate that the victim has to prove her innocence (by not having dressed provocatively or not being with loose morals) before the offender can take the blame.

A woman cannot be herself in the society of the present day, which is an exclusively masculine society, with laws framed by men and with a judicial system that judges feminine conduct from a masculine point of view.

HENRIK IBSEN, From Ibsen’s Workshop 

Mangalasutram

When a man ties mangalasutram around a woman’s neck, they are said to be married. Thus “mangalasutram” symbolizes marriage and hence deemed as an important part of any married woman. Over the years, or I should say centuries, lot of sentiments arouse around it. Some of the accepted norms or sentiments include -

• “Mangalsutram represents the long life of the husband”
• “It is so sacred and thus should be worshiped”
• “Not wearing it continuously will cause harm to the husband” etc and etc.

The extent of  drama around it can be understood better from movies from a decade or more ago – where women even go to the extent of preferring “mangalsutram” to the one who ties it or put their lives on stake to safeguard it. It is true that it is a symbol of marriage, which ideally follows that it is a symbol of love, trust and commitment between a man and a woman (assuming that people get married out of love, mutual trust and commitment). But when more and more emphasis is placed on only the symbol and not on what it symbolizes, it becomes a big joke. 

When one really thinks about it, one can discern the reason for this undue importance attached to the “mangalasutram” and the high extent of sentimentalism involved with it – It provides the society a means to control women. Following that “mangalasutram” is the symbol of marriage, we conveniently ignore the fact that married men wear nothing to announce their married status.  By projecting the mangalasutram as the identity of a married woman, society succeeded in keeping women in the place it wanted to. In our culture, the importance of marriage in every one’s life cannot be overemphasized. While it is true for both the genders, it is especially so in the case of women. Women born to get married (and of course, bear children), period. This follows that “mangalasutram” becomes the most valuable possession of a woman not because of the person who places it around her neck but because it is just so. While women until the previous generation accepted its importance and role without a murmur, today’s woman doesn’t seem to follow suit. She questions the norms,  and even deviates from them.

I’ve noticed a clear change in the thinking and perception of today’s women about it. While they respect it for what it symbolizes, they don’t attach excessive importance to it. They don’t wear it regularly and when they do wear it, it is because they want to, not because they are expected to do so. Some women even see it only as a piece of jewelry.

I don’t mean to imply that everyone is like that. (Not that there is any problem for me with that. ) Women of the current generation have largely varying attitudes about this whole issue. What I want to point out is that women today want to take the choice of following whatever norms that are in existence into their hands.

This attitude seems blasphemous not only  to religious groups and activists but also to many common people in the society, whose reaction to the new change is usually something along the lines of  “That is the norm.  Ancestors cannot be wrong. We have to follow our tradition, period.”

Another argument is – If everyone behaves as they like, there will be no order in the world. Well, I tend to agree with this point. For there to be order in society, there have to be some rules. But if more and more people are not obeying the rules, the problem is not with the people, it is with the rules. Change them to suit the current thinking. Blindly following the age-old practices may not be a good idea. Rules are for the people, not the other way around.

I don’t mean to imply that I’m against this “mangalsutram” or that it should be abolished or something like that. I currently take no sides. This is a very  controversial and hot topic and I found it interesting to see different perceptions about the concept. I’ve seen/read a few online discussions on how today’s women perceive “mangalasutram” and I must say they are stimulating and revealing. My response in one of the forums:

Thinking about this a little bit more objectively, I feel that mangalasutra is predominantly a symbol – to let people/society know that one is married. This is important because it avoids a lot of confusion and trouble. There can be other ways too but a symbol makes the classification easier and instantaneous. All the other sentiments emerged out of man’s ego or woman’s (perceived) lower status or religion or need to dominate and control etc. So, people kind of expect a married woman to showcase that symbol. Ideally, this is required by both men and women, Actually, men also have some symbol (like jenjam) but the society has overlooked that part very conveniently long long back. Double standards for men and women didn’t born just yesterday. Since society could enforce that on women and had a wonderfully success rate throughout several centuries, it continues to do so even today. From that perspective, there is no reason for it to change its expectation. If today’s women think that they need not showcase to the world that they are married, or use that particular symbol to do so, it will take a lot of time for the society to get used to it and accept it. It’s long way and until then the struggle, cultural and emotional attacks, discrimination go on. The same is true not only for this particular issue but for all the other gender specific issues. It is very difficult to change deep-rooted beliefs. Mere scientific and logical explanations won’t work. People should be willing to accept new ideas and this is a herculean task. But of course, all this doesn’t stop progress or change.[ I  have a problem at labeling every new thought as progressive thought. Every change may not be progressive in nature, unless the long-term repercussions are carefully considered. I believe one cannot say whether something is progressive or not right away; especially when it does not deal with atrocities like  Sati: which directly harms a section of people. While creating  mental and psychological snares is  equally or more fiendish, its effect is subtle and so deep-rooted that it is often difficult even to recognize it.] There have been many changes to the lifestyle and customs in the past. No reason why it will not happen to more and more things in future.

 And moreover, “mangalasutra” is a symbol for the institution of marriage [for the facility of society] – not mental commitment. Since there is no way to convey or detect mental commitment, people rely on physical and tangible things to make some sense of mental concepts. For example, in the legal world, whether you are committed to your spouse doesn’t matter as long as you have your marriage certificate and/or your marriage is not annulled or divorced. This is not the flaw of a system or religion or society. This is just how things can work. [The bottom line is "love and commitment between the couple" attaches importance to mangalasutra, not the other way around.]

Ladies Coupé

It’s been a while since I read this long-pending Indian chick-lit by Anita Nair. Finally took time to write something about it. I expected it to be a racy, shallow, gossipy and “masala-filled” novel depicting lives of a group of women travelling together in a Ladies Coupé of a train. I was part-right and part-wrong. It sure was fast-paced and interesting but it was anything but shallow.

Each and every woman character in the novel had been dealt with a depth of empathy and understanding as they shared their stories. Each woman seeks to find herself, making sense of her life and her role in it. Akhilandeswari, who is forced to stay single until 45 by circumstances, embarks on a journey to Kanyakumari to break free from all the oppressing ties of traditional norms and society and seeks answers to her questions before asserting her freedom and independence through her actions. In a society, which stresses that a woman can’t live alone and makes every attempt to make her life terrible, trying to come to terms with self isn’t very easy. I liked the way the author didn’t offer any readymade solutions to the predicament, but rather allowed the character to discover her own path to deal with it.

I was seriously shocked by the way Margaret Shanti dealt with her imposing, insensitive, and tyrant husband. She took revenge by attacking his sense of pride in self. She fed him enormous meals with the effect that it impacted his fitness, thereby reducing his self-confidence. I felt that this is a clever idea. It’s only her way to cope with the situation.

Each woman has varying degrees of problems, and considering each of them from a vantage point, one would tend to rate them on a scale. However, a problem is a problem. There is no one without any troubles. In the absence of a great tragedy, even a seemingly minor issue takes the mind off peace. Marikolanthu’s life might have been the worst of all of them, but that doesn’t make the others’ troubles any slighter. Despite having normal life with material comforts and close-knit family, Prabha Devi and Janaki struggle with their sense of loss of self before finding their way out.

The ability to solve all our problems lies within ourselves. It just needs some calling. One has to grapple with it and persevere to succeed.

Ladies Coupé is an enlightening and thought-provoking work, which stimulates the reader to reflect on his/her own life. It is a must read for everyone, especially women.

Gender stereotyping

Read the article on Lisa Bloom’s book – Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbled-Down World here.

I’ve been for many years aware of how gender stereotypes are distilled in the kids right from the childhood by various cultural stereotypes and the casual talk we engage in with them, giving them suggestions all the time. For ex: when a boy cries, we immediately say: don’t cry like a girl etc.

Also I often worry about the pressure the society and the world around is putting on women in terms of their physical appearance. I’m sure everyone will agree that how the thought of “looking good” dominates our thoughts and deeds. Not a wonder that it’s taking a toll on little kids too.

In current times we are not able to see a few extra kilos as a minor thing (apart from the ‘health angle’). Everyone expects one to look good and fit. While being fit is a great goal, I’m not sure how much it is helping when the stress it subjects you to overshadows the nobleness of it.

Even for men, looks are important these days – being muscular/six-pack/potbelly-less etc. And now Fair & Handsome has started doing it to men what Fair & Lovely has been doing to women all these years. Still, I must say the pressure on men is a lot lesser than compared to that on women.

Anyways, I’m digressing.

The need for curbing our impluses and trying to make neutral and intelligent conversations with little girls makes all the more sense.I suppose we all can use some tips from Lisa’s book.

I Don’t Know How She Does It

“I Don’t Know How She Does It” by Allison Pearson has been a drone so far. Agreed that it has a promising and relevant storyline but the narration made it such a bore. Barely touched 100 pages and nothing much happened by way of the story and I can’t help feeling despair at having to read 200 and odd more of them in order to complete the book. At this point, I wonder aloud what she could have filled those pages with. Undoubtedly with more and more of analogies – he looks like so-and-so in so-and-so movie; the expression on his face akin to so-and-so in goddamn so-and-so movie or a TV show and the like, calling on just about every commercial entity known to her or so it seemed to me. Gosh, it appears as if she had used such comparisons in almost every other sentence. My inability to make sense of them infuriates me to my wit’s end. Being a person from a country other than UK or USA, I believe it’s acceptable. It’s obvious that the author did not mean for people like me to read her book. What a shame!

Agreed that novels do include local elements – slang, cultural etc. but as far as I know it has always been in moderation. Even then, the presence of a glossary helps a lot. But using them in almost every other sentence is just outrageous. It’s so irritating that I had to scream out and hence this emergency blog post. I couldn’t possibly have waited until I finished the book before venting out my frustration.

I guess this is her way of trying to be funny but I strongly believe that this is such a mediocre way of doing so. I failed to derive any sort of amusement from such incomprehensible quips. She seemed to have concentrated more on playing with the words rather than to present a more engaging narration. This novel is about a busy working mom – Kate Reddy – struggling to juggle various responsibilities. I can see her plight as anything but funny. It beats me why this work is being considered as a comedy. Hilarious for those on the other side may be.

I can’t say I was exactly surprised to notice how alike Kate’s New Year Resolutions and mine (from the time when I used to work) are. Some of the common items from our lists include:

• adjust work-life balance
• spend more time with child(ren)
• don’t take <husband> for granted
• relaxing hobby??
• Call friends

My work stress wasn’t anywhere near that of the protagonist, who is a hedge fund manager in one of the top companies, but still I had my share of problems and issues. I can perfectly understand the guilt factor involved – not being able to be a perfect mother and a perfect wife, the two most important and only roles that the centuries long male-dominated culture/society (in addition to the nature) has distilled into the minds of one and all. However awesome a career-oriented woman may be at work, she is forbidden the deserved satisfaction from life because she falters in the fulfillment of the two mighty roles. It’s a deep-rooted belief that career for a woman should always come after home, in the sense that it should only be a pastime rather than a major endeavor. A woman can do whatever she wants as long as the mother and wife roles do not suffer. But as is obvious, a woman isn’t left with much time on her hands in that case, not until the children are grown up. God knows how many more centuries it will take to change this perception. Whether such a change is needed in the first place, is a debate for another day.

One other current trend pointed out in the novel that prodded me to think more about is the maddening “drive for success”. The rat race starts right from the kindergarten and in a sense will not end as long as one lives. Needless to say, this adds complexity to life, but who is to do anything about it? Not that it is within the ability of any one person. Well, this is an omnipresent issue forever fretted about and discussed among just about everyone. Probing into the issue a little further, let me ask a question – Does success breed happiness? A plausible answer can be: It surely does, but only to certain extent (as we can see in the case of Kate Reddy, who is representative of a large group of people in the current times). Hmm, can’t argue with that. But putting it in another way, can one be happy without being successful?? It certainly is not easy but possible I guess, at least in theory. But is there a practical solution, which doesn’t involve embracing lunacy?

The Blind Assassin

It is said that the first impression is the best impression. But there exist many instances which prove otherwise too. “The Blind Assassin” is one such instance for me. It took me almost 40% of the book (around 240 pages) to even remotely feel encouraged about it. Until then, I literally had to very patiently waddle through the pages with no idea about how it would all turn out. I even stopped pursuing it for a while. I picked it up again only on account of my a-kind-of-principle not to leave a book unfinished. It really took a lot of determination in order to continue with it, that is until I reached the crucial point in the plot and then it happened: I got slowly sucked in.

I was enthralled by how the various characters were taking shape – slowly but interestingly, how the secrets were being revealed, and in general how things were making more sense in the narration. At this point, I felt like I was deceived. More like manipulated; tricked into changing my initial impressions and feelings about the book. But I must admit that I was not particularly shocked at this turn of events. It happened to me before and that’s why I might have been half-expecting the pleasant surprise albeit subliminally.

The plot seemed like a huge bundle of knots and the author took her time to unravel each one with deft and expertise. With each disentanglement there came a new twist and new cognizance. By the time I reached the end of the book, I was jolted out of my dispassionate attitude towards it and I couldn’t help marveling at the author’s prowess.

There is a novel inside this novel and I read that this had been a first-time thing. A new style was born. Laura was such a mystical girl/young woman she is certainly the main attraction in the plot. The exposure of Richard’s dark persona wasn’t expected by me in the beginning and as the crowning point of it got revealed towards the end, I was flabbergasted. I also felt that the way the two sisters felt and continued to feel about Alex Thomas throughout the story was beautifully crafted. Above all, it’s Iris who surprised me the most – I didn’t expect of her what she did.

But I had to pay a considerable price in the beginning, in the form of perseverance,  in order to reap the pleasure at the end. No matter what the gains, I wouldn’t be able to forget the pains though.

Committed

Just finished Elizabeth Gilbert’s Committed. As I’ve written in an earlier post, Committed is a kind of sequel to the more well-known Eat, Pray, Love. In Committed, the author explored many aspects of marriage: history, expectations, women, infatuation and the like. It sure was interesting.

On the other note, I felt that the way she defended single ladies was so comical. She proclaimed that single women are an inevitable part of evolution; that they are saviors of the society and blah, blah, blah. For me, all this just made me sense her desperation. It seemed as if she needed the readers to validate her choices and opinions. She was so defensive.

In the end, she seemed to accept that marriage might not be unpleasant after all. But not really! She has her own terms and ideas of marriage, which is of course totally fine. She very conveniently “forgot” to mention any of the numerous benefits of marriage, verified by a number of research studies. No worries.

But somehow I’m not convinced that she had made her peace with “marriage”, as she claimed. Not at least with the kind of marriage I’m aware of.

Depression in women

Depression in Women

I’ve just been reading this article ,by the columnist Allison Pearson, from Guardian.co.uk about the rising cases of depression in women these days which not only made me wonder about many things but also felt very vulnerable.

I am still in the hangover of The Nine Rooms of Happiness (see my previous post) and am still ruminating on all those pearls of wisdom so thoughtfully provided by the authors and about all the stress and issues faced by women in day-to-day life.

I feel like every woman goes into depression at least once in her life. The media and commercialism is a major culprit in setting the standards way too high. In fact, being and doing the best is the motto: not just in one thing or role but in everything.

The author of the above article said it right that a woman is undergoing a lot of stress these days owing to sometimes unreasonable demands. One has to be a wonderful mom, look good, excellent homemaker, and also have a great (at least good enough) career. Perfectionism has become the standard. It seems obviously ludicrous to anyone when it is put in this way, but lot of women are experiencing it in reality.

I’ve always wondered that why such perfect standards do not apply to or affect men!

Allison Pearson says that having the man in the house to share chores helps, but it is only one side of it. I’m lucky enough to have a spouse who shares my work at home – both household chores and parenting (touch wood), but I still feel burdened by the urge to meet the standard (aka perfectionism).

What’s actually required is, women have to change their perception. Good enough, and not being perfect,is the goal. It is effective only when ‘we’ believe it ourselves from within and it’s not such an easy task given the suggestions we perpetually get from the rest of the world. But, if we have to protect our sanity, we must be less and less susceptible to such harmful stereotypes.

On the other hand, getting back to the kitchen isn’t the solution.  In fact, another reason for this depression is ”being at home”. If you are a home maker, you often don’t have a sense of purpose and achievement in your life other than raising kids and managing the house. In this case, you entirely depend on others for your happiness, which, in my opinion, is a mantra for doomness. Anyone who has read The Feminine Mystique, and of course many others who can reflect on this a bit honestly, would agree with me readily that in such circumstances, the woman tries to live her life through the spouse and kids and unwittingly pressurize them. Her dependence on her family members reaches to such an obscene level that it not only affects the relationships but also her whole identity. Well, this really sounds horrible. But I can give any number of examples right off the top of my head. It is imperative that one has to be cognizant about this process in order not to fall into the trap.

The Nine Rooms of Happiness

I’m glad I read Nine Rooms of Happiness by Lucy Danziger, the editor of Self magazine and Catherine Birndorf, a psychologist. It;s not about coping with the big problems in our life – loss of a close one or divorce or failure or depression etc. It’s about those little thought and action patterns which curb our happiness, even if everything seems right on the outset.

The authors used the metaphor of house to describe different emotional states of a woman. According to them, the emotional house consists of 9 rooms:

• Basement: Childhood memories, memories from school days etc. In short, your past.
• Family Room: Where you deal with your family – parents, siblings, close relatives etc
• Living Room: Where you deal with friends aka your social life
• Bathroom: Where you face the issues of weight, beauty, aging, health etc
• Bedroom: Where you explore intimacy and love
• Kid’s Room: Where you deal with your children
• Office: your job, career, finances etc.
• Attic: The family heirloom, expectations of your ancestors (also your parents)

And there is a surprise Tenth Room, which is your inner sanctuary: A place to think about you, your purpose in life, relax and rejuvenate.

It’s a very easy read, with lots of stories from real-life. You are bound to relate to at least a few of them. The authors offer the reader lot of pearls of wisdom, which we can apply to, and thereby enrich, our lives. It’s amazing to realize how simple they are, yet powerful enough to change the course of our lives.

Some of the pearls include:

• It’s not all about you
• Stop controlling, start connecting
• Go or grow
• No one can complete you, but you. (I love this!)

I felt the relationship equation to be most useful to me, which is A+B=C, where A is you, B is the other person whom you love or deal with and C is the relationship between you. You cannot change B. So if you want to change C, the relationship, you have to change yourself. And this, you can do.

Things like unhealthy narcissism, striving towards perfectionism and many other day-to-day psychological patterns refrain us from really achieving and experiencing the holy grail – Happiness. The authors put it right in the first few pages that – Being happier is like being fit; You have to work at it. Happiness is a choice, choose to be happy.

And this book can be your companion.