From my dairies

Teenage… what a sweet-bitter phase of life! Traversing through those memories the other day, I experienced a jumble of emotions. I smiled with satisfaction at the recollection of pleasant and exciting episodes. I laughed out loud as I recalled the silly and naughty deeds I’d done. I winced with pain at the mere thought of the various failures and disappointments of those years.

But one thing I felt the most is “embarrassment” at an assortment of events/happenings. Being wiser and more experienced now, I guess it’s only natural to feel that way. But gosh, did I really say and do all those things back then? What was I thinking? Most probably I wouldn’t have been thinking much.

Well, one such embarrassing reminiscence is the collection of my so-called poems, which I came across on that particular day. I had been the editor of the college wall-magazine for 2 years during my graduation. On a whim, I decided that writing something on my own is much easier compared to collecting works of art from fellow students. So, I began to write – just to fill up the magazine as and when the need arose. I must admit one thing about my college-mates: they were wonderful – really very supportive of such adventures. Many of them even had nice things to say about mine, which makes me forever wonder at the magnitude of their politeness.

Here’s one of my less awkward creations for your entertainment:

MEMORIES

(MORE THAN IMAGINATIONS)

I want to say about

Something that is nothing

A nothing which is so sweet

A nothing that puts a smile on my lips

A nothing that brings glow onto my face

A nothing that drives me high

A nothing that comforts me and consoles me

A nothing whose memory is always as fresh as morning dew

A nothing whose thought itself makes my heartbeat faster

I want to say about

Some nothings that have become the zeal of my life

Sweet nothings that I never wish to forget

I call them sweet because they are the

Memories that haunt me

Memories that move me

Memories that left me alive

In the face of hardships

What is one supposed to do when everything goes wrong? How is one supposed to handle it? I’m certain that it feels like an awful nightmare that one wishes to wake up to a different world, because I’m living it right now.

Losing lots of money and thereby peace of mind is a kind of tragedy that can make one more than just feel sad. When it is coupled with loss of time, effort, valuables and lots of “if only I could have done it differently or so and so way” thoughts and moments, it can be very depressing too. Add to that a few easily avoidable mistakes or acts of carelessness/complacency which have resulted in further loss, it’s the perfect recipe to make one feel nauseated and sick to stomach.

A good hearty cry would help a bit, I guess, but it has proved not to be so easy after all It’s always believed that sharing one’s sorrows would reduce their effect to half. But what I’ve observed lately is that more and more one talks about the bad/negative stuff, the more difficult  it becomes to be free of those torturing thoughts. This results in nothing but just reinforcement of those negative feelings.

Isn’t it a better idea to try to avoid thinking/talking about it as much as you can (once you are done with your initial coping efforts) and instead replace the negative thought with a positive one every time you encounter it? Easier said than done. I’m finding myself in the tug of war between the irresistible desire to talk about it (might be a natural psychological urge) to anyone who cares to listen and seemingly prudent alternative I just mentioned earlier.

Talking about the coping strategies reminds me of a short story from the great epic Mahabharatha, which I’ve heard/read somewhere:

Once Sri Krishna gave Yudhisthira a piece of writing (on whatever the medium used in those days). He asked the Pandava king to open and read it only in the case of the worst trouble/difficulty and that will provide the solution to his problem. Yudhisthira was tempted to open it in the face of many difficulties he faced in his life but he always saved it for the worse problem he might encounter in the future. At last a point came when he felt so helpless and discouraged that he decided that it’s time to seek the solution by reading the sacred writing. He opened it and guess what he found:

“This trouble/problem too will pass like the earlier ones!”

This is a very powerful piece of wisdom and strikingly true. The strength to solve our problems is within ourselves. Also, however grave may be the tragedy at the time of its occurrence, it’s impact gets reduced as time passes. Time is the best healer in the world.

I tried to practice this philosophy in the face of my recent misfortunes as much as I can and it works!

Change

It’s amazing how our perceptions change with time, sometimes even take a 180 degree turn. I’ll come straight to the point. Until a few years ago, I’ve always thought TV and Movies are integral parts of one’s life. I never doubted their indispensability for one’s healthy personality. I used to wonder at some of the elders’, especially my parents’ total indifference and lack of interest to pursue these must-have interests. I was really perplexed by their attitude.

Only in the recent years I’ve come to realize how insignificant these entertainment sources can be in one’s life. They aren’t after all indispensible. As I’ve crossed my student days and entered married life and then motherhood and job career, I’m overwhelmed by the responsibilities of different roles and never noticed when I lost interest in movies and TV. Also the happy-ending love stories of our movies don’t appeal to me anymore. Given that most of the movies are targeted towards the teenagers and youth, I can’t relate to them now.

I’ve also been thinking about one other aspect of change for quite sometime. It is how our thought and opinions change as our roles change. Most of the times just stepping into one’s shoes doesn’t help much. You need to be in one’s position to understand one’s plight. Our long held views and understanding might change when that happens. A typical scenario is – you understand you parent’s compassion, love, sacrifices, and limitations only when you become a parent and undergo all those things yourself. Howevermuch you’ve tried to really understand them before, it’s never complete.

There have been many other instances in my life lately which made me realize my insensitivity or ignorance in the past. Though I don’t remember those other instances now, I do remember the feeling of revelation and humbleness they resulted in. One thing I’ve learned from these experiences is that “Never judge people”. You might not really understand what one has or is going through and by all possibility there might be a good justification for their actions or reactions (in most cases, that is).