Mangalasutram

When a man ties mangalasutram around a woman’s neck, they are said to be married. Thus “mangalasutram” symbolizes marriage and hence deemed as an important part of any married woman. Over the years, or I should say centuries, lot of sentiments arouse around it. Some of the accepted norms or sentiments include -

• “Mangalsutram represents the long life of the husband”
• “It is so sacred and thus should be worshiped”
• “Not wearing it continuously will cause harm to the husband” etc and etc.

The extent of  drama around it can be understood better from movies from a decade or more ago – where women even go to the extent of preferring “mangalsutram” to the one who ties it or put their lives on stake to safeguard it. It is true that it is a symbol of marriage, which ideally follows that it is a symbol of love, trust and commitment between a man and a woman (assuming that people get married out of love, mutual trust and commitment). But when more and more emphasis is placed on only the symbol and not on what it symbolizes, it becomes a big joke. 

When one really thinks about it, one can discern the reason for this undue importance attached to the “mangalasutram” and the high extent of sentimentalism involved with it – It provides the society a means to control women. Following that “mangalasutram” is the symbol of marriage, we conveniently ignore the fact that married men wear nothing to announce their married status.  By projecting the mangalasutram as the identity of a married woman, society succeeded in keeping women in the place it wanted to. In our culture, the importance of marriage in every one’s life cannot be overemphasized. While it is true for both the genders, it is especially so in the case of women. Women born to get married (and of course, bear children), period. This follows that “mangalasutram” becomes the most valuable possession of a woman not because of the person who places it around her neck but because it is just so. While women until the previous generation accepted its importance and role without a murmur, today’s woman doesn’t seem to follow suit. She questions the norms,  and even deviates from them.

I’ve noticed a clear change in the thinking and perception of today’s women about it. While they respect it for what it symbolizes, they don’t attach excessive importance to it. They don’t wear it regularly and when they do wear it, it is because they want to, not because they are expected to do so. Some women even see it only as a piece of jewelry.

I don’t mean to imply that everyone is like that. (Not that there is any problem for me with that. ) Women of the current generation have largely varying attitudes about this whole issue. What I want to point out is that women today want to take the choice of following whatever norms that are in existence into their hands.

This attitude seems blasphemous not only  to religious groups and activists but also to many common people in the society, whose reaction to the new change is usually something along the lines of  “That is the norm.  Ancestors cannot be wrong. We have to follow our tradition, period.”

Another argument is – If everyone behaves as they like, there will be no order in the world. Well, I tend to agree with this point. For there to be order in society, there have to be some rules. But if more and more people are not obeying the rules, the problem is not with the people, it is with the rules. Change them to suit the current thinking. Blindly following the age-old practices may not be a good idea. Rules are for the people, not the other way around.

I don’t mean to imply that I’m against this “mangalsutram” or that it should be abolished or something like that. I currently take no sides. This is a very  controversial and hot topic and I found it interesting to see different perceptions about the concept. I’ve seen/read a few online discussions on how today’s women perceive “mangalasutram” and I must say they are stimulating and revealing. My response in one of the forums:

Thinking about this a little bit more objectively, I feel that mangalasutra is predominantly a symbol – to let people/society know that one is married. This is important because it avoids a lot of confusion and trouble. There can be other ways too but a symbol makes the classification easier and instantaneous. All the other sentiments emerged out of man’s ego or woman’s (perceived) lower status or religion or need to dominate and control etc. So, people kind of expect a married woman to showcase that symbol. Ideally, this is required by both men and women, Actually, men also have some symbol (like jenjam) but the society has overlooked that part very conveniently long long back. Double standards for men and women didn’t born just yesterday. Since society could enforce that on women and had a wonderfully success rate throughout several centuries, it continues to do so even today. From that perspective, there is no reason for it to change its expectation. If today’s women think that they need not showcase to the world that they are married, or use that particular symbol to do so, it will take a lot of time for the society to get used to it and accept it. It’s long way and until then the struggle, cultural and emotional attacks, discrimination go on. The same is true not only for this particular issue but for all the other gender specific issues. It is very difficult to change deep-rooted beliefs. Mere scientific and logical explanations won’t work. People should be willing to accept new ideas and this is a herculean task. But of course, all this doesn’t stop progress or change.[ I  have a problem at labeling every new thought as progressive thought. Every change may not be progressive in nature, unless the long-term repercussions are carefully considered. I believe one cannot say whether something is progressive or not right away; especially when it does not deal with atrocities like  Sati: which directly harms a section of people. While creating  mental and psychological snares is  equally or more fiendish, its effect is subtle and so deep-rooted that it is often difficult even to recognize it.] There have been many changes to the lifestyle and customs in the past. No reason why it will not happen to more and more things in future.

 And moreover, “mangalasutra” is a symbol for the institution of marriage [for the facility of society] – not mental commitment. Since there is no way to convey or detect mental commitment, people rely on physical and tangible things to make some sense of mental concepts. For example, in the legal world, whether you are committed to your spouse doesn’t matter as long as you have your marriage certificate and/or your marriage is not annulled or divorced. This is not the flaw of a system or religion or society. This is just how things can work. [The bottom line is "love and commitment between the couple" attaches importance to mangalasutra, not the other way around.]

The big eye

It’s for all to see and experience the phenomena of social network media and blogs which gave each one of us wings of expression. It’s amazing to discover how much we have to share with others – both trivial and otherwise. But the picture is not all rosy. With the amount of time people spend on such networking increased to substantial amounts, people have to realize that whatever they say or do online leaves a print that others would be interested to track.

It’s common knowledge that companies do track the behavior of users online to better target their marketing campaigns. Google reads our mail: though this raked a bit of alarm, it quickly died down as users are so hooked on to it that in a war they can’t afford to lose it. We also know about the commotion and sensation created by the now almost legendary tweets by Shashi Tharoor and Lalit Modi. It stirred up a hornet’s nest and they are still facing the consequences of their unguarded expressions online.

But these are big shots either involved in some inappropriate  practices and/or are in a respectable position in the government. They have every reason and need to be extra careful about their choice of words. But what about others – normal people like you and me? Can we get away with any derogatory or offending remark? Can’t say about India but we do have to watch out and guard ourselves if we ever want to say or do anything related to America.

Here is an incident that happened a week ago in Los Angeles:

US deports two European tourists over ‘destroy America’ tweet

This sure gives a rude jolt and sends an unambiguous message to world that America is watching each one of us and with utmost seriousness. The big eye sees it all.

It’s eerie and scary to realize that none is anonymous online. Each and every action can be tracked to the person responsible for it. Next time you want to say anything about America, you would really want to pause and think before hitting the button.

Let’s think a little futuristic. Now it’s only America, as far as we know. What happens when many other countries have the capacity and interest to do the same? Well, it’s always a good thing to watch out one’s words, be it on the Net or otherwise. But only in the case of “online”, the reach is practically unlimited. One can’t talk behind anyone’s back online anymore; one will be caught. Text mining rocks!!!

Ladies Coupé

It’s been a while since I read this long-pending Indian chick-lit by Anita Nair. Finally took time to write something about it. I expected it to be a racy, shallow, gossipy and “masala-filled” novel depicting lives of a group of women travelling together in a Ladies Coupé of a train. I was part-right and part-wrong. It sure was fast-paced and interesting but it was anything but shallow.

Each and every woman character in the novel had been dealt with a depth of empathy and understanding as they shared their stories. Each woman seeks to find herself, making sense of her life and her role in it. Akhilandeswari, who is forced to stay single until 45 by circumstances, embarks on a journey to Kanyakumari to break free from all the oppressing ties of traditional norms and society and seeks answers to her questions before asserting her freedom and independence through her actions. In a society, which stresses that a woman can’t live alone and makes every attempt to make her life terrible, trying to come to terms with self isn’t very easy. I liked the way the author didn’t offer any readymade solutions to the predicament, but rather allowed the character to discover her own path to deal with it.

I was seriously shocked by the way Margaret Shanti dealt with her imposing, insensitive, and tyrant husband. She took revenge by attacking his sense of pride in self. She fed him enormous meals with the effect that it impacted his fitness, thereby reducing his self-confidence. I felt that this is a clever idea. It’s only her way to cope with the situation.

Each woman has varying degrees of problems, and considering each of them from a vantage point, one would tend to rate them on a scale. However, a problem is a problem. There is no one without any troubles. In the absence of a great tragedy, even a seemingly minor issue takes the mind off peace. Marikolanthu’s life might have been the worst of all of them, but that doesn’t make the others’ troubles any slighter. Despite having normal life with material comforts and close-knit family, Prabha Devi and Janaki struggle with their sense of loss of self before finding their way out.

The ability to solve all our problems lies within ourselves. It just needs some calling. One has to grapple with it and persevere to succeed.

Ladies Coupé is an enlightening and thought-provoking work, which stimulates the reader to reflect on his/her own life. It is a must read for everyone, especially women.

Sri Rama Rajyam

This beautiful rendition of the great epic by Bapu is just fabulous. Each frame is beautiful. The graphics worked well. Everyone did justice to their roles. Nayantara as Sita stole the show. She was simply astounding. I was really surprised and delighted to watch her awesome performance. Illayaraja’s music was soothing, melodious and apt. His melodies have a distinct sweetness that others cannot quite emulate.

Despite the unanswered questions regarding the treatment of Sita (a few of my thoughts on this here), the charm of Ramayana holds good to me even to this day. It was my favorite childhood read and I never get tired to reading/listenting to/watching the epic tale. It is a story which tells one what to do and how to do, unlike its sister epic Mahabharatha, which tells one what not to do.

Reading Ramayana brings peace as it primarily presents the good and positive elements of life. It is worthy to note that the movie recognized the injustice rendered to Sita and had not attempted to justify it. Given that it happened/written during a time when woman’s role was strictly defined and confined, it is no surprise that the events unfolded in such a way. But having the god incarnation himself to behave so is something that is not easily digestible for those who believe in absolute. I’m not suggesting any alternative course for Rama, and not sure even if such a thing exists given the circumstances. Could it be possible for him to be just to both his wife and his people? My immediate thought was to make him stand up for what he believes – he believes in his wife and he loves her – and somehow make people understand it. But even as I was thinking so, I knew it’s not easy to change a deep-rooted conviction even when God wishes it. There is no evidence that the change had indeed took place, though the people of the kingdom were exasperated and repented at the gloomy state of their king. In this regard, I’m not sure whether Ramayana had been successful in making people change their beliefs. While the kind of love and devotion between the couple is inspiring to all, the trials that Sita had to undergo, with no error of hers, can indeed be perceived as a failure of Rama.

Sita has a very significant role in our tradition and she is deemed as a perfect being whom every woman should try to emulate. I wonder to what extent her personality still holds significance!

No Onions, No Garlic Nor Taste

One has to pay for one’s poor decisions and that is what happened to me with No Onions Nor Garlic by Srividya Natarajan. I discovered it years ago somewhere and faintly remember that it was said to be good enough. But the evidently curious cum attractive title is what made me wanted to read the book.

Also, there is the fact that I couldn’t lay my hands on it for a quite a number of years. All this only made me jump with excitement when I spotted it in the recent Book Exhibition. I didn’t even think about glancing through a few passages before I parted with the green paper and took home the bounty. But the bubble of my joyful anticipation got burst once I was a few pages into the book. Still, I persisted in my trials and managed to turn over 80 pages. My frustration only increased with each page. I promise I gave it a fair chance before admitting to myself the bitter aftertaste of the words.

The English is too ornamental, each sentence often running into several lines. The author tried to be funny and witty in almost each sentence, which only made it more difficult to read. The author seemed to have been intent more on demonstrating her expertise of English language rather than on the story that she basically wanted to tell. Reading through the verbose narrative, one loses the interest to follow the underlying story that is supposed to be progressing incessantly.

I’ve read some very difficult and complex books (both in the story and the language in which it is told) in the past, but seldom did I feel disgusted at the attempt of the author unless it appeared as a show-off like this. The pursuit of the author to create humor by awkward, silly, far-fetching and strange comparisons has resulted in so unnatural an effect that reading it became a tussle through the writing. I’m very much disappointed in this work and I regret my actions leading to this upsetting reaction.

A Thing Beyond Forever

By Novneel Chakraborthy.

Yet another love story from yet another budding Indian author. It had been a refreshing read because it  seemed less amateurish than some of the more popular novels. I agree that it’s a little verbose but that’s not the reason why I’m impressed. The characters are molded well  and there is certain depth to them when compared to a few bestsellers of the same genre  I’ve read recently.  The novel is not just about the narration of a straight-forward story but also about the passion, inner struggle and deep secrets of the lead characters.

The author used a lot of similes but sadly, not everything clicked. The one thing which pissed me off the most was the poor punctuation, which made the countless “too long” sentences a tad too difficult get in the first reading (and also the second and sometimes even the third ). Added to that there were obvious grammatical errors (especially the way “though” and “but” were used in the same sentence. Another such pair was “since” and “as”). I don’t understand how the editor might have overlooked such glaring mistakes.

All in all, I liked the author’s writing style and the way he told the story.( I specifically liked the “dreams” part.) He seems to have the potential to become a good writer. Let’s see how it goes.

PS: I like Radhika Sharma (the protagonist).

Eat, Pray, Love

I have little talent for writing book reviews. In fact, it is apt not to regard them as “reviews”.  As anyone who reads my blabbering about the books I read, can tell, I just try to pen down certain, often incoherent, thoughts. And presently, I do just the same.

I have put off reading this bestseller by Elizabeth Gilbert for quite a while but in the end I gave in. I believed that one western woman’s personal journey wouldn’t interest me much but the book surprised me.  The author’s colloquial and witty expression impressed me. Above all, I was smitten by the honesty, which the woman has put forth into the words.

The first part of the book- being all about pleasure (of food and language) – had been a pleasant read. I was struck by the urge of the author to learn Italian for no other purpose than to feel the taste of those magical words on her tongue. I appreciated that a lot.

Being an Indian with ideas about spirituality of my own, the “Pray” part was not entirely unfamiliar to me. But reading a westerner’s perspective on the subject was a novel experience for me. I especially liked the way she explained complex spiritual concepts – in a simple and straight-forward manner.

The final part of the book is the one which I considered least captivating but it was fun to learn things about Bali.

Unfortunately, I found myself unable to empathize with the author. Frankly, I could neither understand her need to not have children nor her misery in her marriage. I felt many a times while reading the book that she is a very self-centered person – who always thinks only about herself and only from her perspective. It also struck me that in the modern western culture, it’s largely that way in relationships: each person cares for only what he/she gets out of a relationship or the other person. As long as everything goes right and their needs are met, the relationship flourishes. But as soon as some calamity occurs, the relationship ends.  I don’t want to sound as a bigot but it’s just my general perception. (I may be wrong too!)

This selfish nature was evident even in her brief affair soon after her marriage ended. Both she and her boyfriend were looking at only the reflection of their own needs and desires in the other person. No wonder they had to end their relationship.

Whenever two people are in a relationship, they need to treat that relationship as a third entity and nurture it.  There is nothing called a perfect match, where none is required to make certain adjustments.   To my knowledge, every relationship requires certain degree of compromise on the part of its entities. There is always – ” give and take”.  I safely assumed that it’s obvious to one and all that once you are in a relationship, you think and decide for your partner’s happiness too in addition to yours.

I was baffled to know that even people who are in their thirties, with enough life and experience behind them, fail to understand such a simple concept. But such was the case with this woman. And no where in the whole book, did she realize this.

I know I’m not being fair with this woman – who is from a different culture and background than myself. And given my own cultural stereotypes, I admit that my judgment might be a bit skewed.

And then I started reading Elizabeth’s next non-fiction work: Committed, in which she talked all about Marriage. I was relieved to find her more mature in this work.  In addition to admitting to her narcissistic nature, she even talked wisely about relationships. While “Committed” might seem less attractive a read compared to her “Eat, Pray, Love”, it does have many pearls of wisdom. None of them are new or groundbreaking but still are invaluable. Again, I was bowled over by her honesty. She is one hell of a brave lady.

Taken for granted

Life has become a celebration since I returned to India. There is always so much fun to do and I’m loving every moment of it. Just the other weekend, I got to spend a lot of time with family, had a picnic and outing. It was blissful. I realized that I had this before I left for US too but always took it for granted. It’s only now, after four years of deprivation, that I comprehended its significance.

 

Shopping – here and there

I always disliked the discount/sale system which rules the buying habits of the people in US. I don’t know whether  or not there is a term for what I’m thinking, but I despised the way people  (need to) time their purchases based on sales and discounts. It’s one aspect of the modern culture there, which I found very inconvenient and odd.  Of course, there are sales and discounts even in India, but I don’t think they determine the buying patterns to such an extent.

Also, in US the buyer is usually forced to put a lot of effort in order to a make a wise purchase, hunting for deals and dealing with coupons of varied kinds. The more you work, the better the deal you might find. Even in the grocery stores, customers are to use the coupons from the local Sunday paper  in order to avail certain discounts or offers. In short, in US shopping is not for the lazy. You are required to spend some extent of time and energy to explore the deals, if you don’t want get bankrupt , or less dramatically – get your dollar’s worth. Of course, I’m speaking for the general middle class there.

Somehow, I feel that shopping in India is easier. True, there are coupons, discounts and sales. But never in the 24 years I’ve been in India had I felt the need to go out of my way to avail the discounts. Anyways, in most cases, all these sales are just a gimmick with no real benefit to the customer. Just increase the price and then offer a discount; or charge for accessories etc.  Though this is true even in US, it is only to some extent.

There in US, it almost seems a kind of insolence to purchase something without first looking for deals, or so I learnt. I remember the kind of uncomprehending stares people used to give me when I tell them about my impulse purchases. 

It doesn’t mean that I don’t care about my money, but in India I don’t feel the need to hunt for coupons or browse for deals every time I plan to buy something. Some general idea about the prices in various outlets (to decide which one suits my taste and purse) will do for me.

But sadly, like everything, even this culture is slowly getting downloaded from the US to India. These days, I’m seeing a lot of the same type of marketing over here too. I feel like even the people are changing and imitating their counterparts in America in this aspect. Of course, change is inevitable. Westernization is inevitable. I guess I should resign myself to just witness this “development” mutely.

Return to India

After about 4 years of stay in the great nation United States, I moved back into the arms of Mother India, and with absolutely no regret. I can see why so many people like to settle down in the dollar country leaving behind their own. It’s just too tempting out there. Easy life (both work and domestic), opportunity to make more money, better standard of living, excellent infrastructure, cleanliness, efficient government and lots more.

Right from the start, even before we set our feet in America, myself and my husband were adamant that our child should be brought up in India. It’s not that there is anything wrong with doing otherwise but that we perceived it as comfortable to us and hopefully beneficial to our offspring too.

First thing is Education. In our opinion, education in India is better than in US, especially schooling. Look at how things are now – Indians are sought out all over the world for their knowledge/skills.  Second and the most important factor is the culture. We would be more comfortable to raise our kid with the same values and traditions that we were taught by our parents, and this would be practically not feasible to do in a foreign country. We basically wanted our child to feel the same connection to India as we do.

But our conviction had been tested a number of times during our stay in The Land of Opportunities. I must admit that I toyed, not less than a few times, with the idea of settling down in that country or at least maximize our stay there. But anyways, we are back now. It’s been just over a month since we returned. Even though we have been here almost all our lives, the transition isn’t that quick. India has progressed in these years – in terms of prices, traffic (at least doubled), lifestyle and the like. It really takes a moment to let them sink into our minds.

After the easy life in America, the challenges of daily life seemed insurmountable, at least in the beginning. As the woman of the house, my main concern is with the household chores. I really found it difficult to embrace the countless things that a home maker is forced/expected to take care of. But as days turned into weeks, everything looks manageable now.  Reunion with the family and friends boosted up our energy and made us realize how much we missed them.

With each day, I like life here better and I can’t help appreciating our decision to come back. It just feels like – well, Home!